5 Years In Heaven

5 years in Heaven

This picture was taken not to long after my great grandmother took on guardianship of my middle sister, Julie and I. To me, this picture captures all the moment’s I loved being the baby. Granny was a very passionate person. Even her anger was passionate. Although she was in her late 70’s when I started to really piss her off, she always stood her ground. Everyone was scared of Granny, my friends, my neighbors, and although many parents were strict, Granny always took the cake. Ginny and Rick, my neighbors growing up, told me that one of their favorite granny story’s was when they saw her chasing after me around the house screaming something while I ran so fast the other direction. This is the family that I later moved in with when Granny kicked me out of her house after being caught at school for underage drinking. Her intensity was really real, especially her intense moment’s of love. I like this picture of us because it captures how I would cherish every moment of being the baby. I think I continued to sit on her lap through high school, because I just loved the moment’s she wanted to cuddle like pictured here. Five years’ ago she passed, and I continue to struggle with the regret of not thanking her enough for what she did for us. When she started to become older I was away at college and my priority at that time wasn’t her. This is painful for me to say out loud because although I understand I couldn’t do a lot at that time, I wish things could of ended a little differently. She gave up so many of her “golden years”, her retirement years to care for us. A few years before she passed, when I was a freshman at college living about four hours away from her, we stayed in contact mostly through letters in the mail. Looking back and recognizing that we both shared the love for writing, it warms my heart on how fitting that was. Thinking of her today, and if she were alive today, I would write her a letter. And this is what I would say:

Dear Granny,

I wanted you to know that I am still writing! When I cant seem to think of anything to write about my inspiration most often comes from you. I find you in my head, in my soul, and in my heart. Thinking about the memory of you gives me so much inspiration, and I am reminded of stories’ to write about! Remember all those afternoons spent at the library? Remember all those afternoons I spent writing my book series about Blaze, Misty, and our gold fish? I wish I could go over my writing’s with you today. I think you would enjoy it. My fiancé and I moved to California in January and there is an orange tree in our back yard. Every time I peel open a fresh orange I think of you. Remember how many warm Florida day’s I sat on your lap outside asking you to, “feed me like a birdie”, as you dropped orange slices in your mouth? I hope you are doing well, and I hope you are eating lots of chocolate heath bar crunch as you celebrate five years in heaven!

I miss you!

 

 

 

 

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Almost Thirty

Almost Thirty

From a very young age I have always been a writer; I just haven’t always been writing. I made a goal to myself a couple of years ago to have my first book published by age 30. unfortunately, in a couple of weeks I am going to be thirty, and I am not ready to publish my book yet. What I did well as a young writer was freely write exactly and whatever was in my thoughts or top of my mind. I did not worry about what others might think if they picked it up and read it and everything I wrote down was raw, unedited, and straight from my heart. My elementary diary entries give me a variety of different emotions that I truly hope I can accomplish in my current early thirties writings. Some pages are full of stories and statements that make me laugh out loud, and other pages and entries quickly bring me to tears.

There were sections of story telling were I told my readers about the 4th grade dance and what boy I was crushing on that moment, there was a goals section where not only did I write out my “request” but I came back around and logged my results. One of my personal favorites was my “update section” which was ultimately my very own gossip column where I updated the relationships in my life as well as other relationships that were going on with my classmates. There was a prayer section, (which is often the section that can make me cry) where I would ask God to listen and grant my prayers. I asked to please make Granny well when she was sick, I asked God why Granny did not like me anymore, and I asked him what would happen to me when Granny died.

The flow was not exactly right when connecting one thought, or story to the next but it doesn’t seem to stop anyone I share it with from wanting to read more about what I was up to. Clearly there was no plan as to what I was going to do with all of these writings but I didn’t care about that. I just freely sat in my room and wrote about what I was going through, how I was feeling, and how everything going on in my life was affecting me. These diaries have been a great gift to myself as I jog my memory of past events in my life to continue my story but most of all they are a reminder to not worry so much about what comes out and to just write.

Making the decision to finally move to the big apple the winter after I turned 27 was a goal of mine that was not only going to bring me career success, love and happiness but I believed the move would help me get further along in my writing. If I were to come back around and currently “update” where I am now it would be that I have come a long way and have a lot of inspiration to write about.

When I first started NYC I could not touch my toes, I was in a lot of financial debt, I was heartbroken, and I was scared shitless. Although, I moved to Manhattan with a job, I did not move to the Big Apple with a big savings account or a clear financial plan. I kid you not: The 12-foot box truck that drove all my furniture and belongings from South Florida to Manhattan, the gas for my car to follow, the renter fees, apartment fees, lease-breaking fees, food and any miscellaneous moving supplies were all paid out of a $1,500 budget I had at my disposal. I’d be lying if I said my Nan didn’t stick a few bills in my pocket, and that my wonderful friends and family did not help me over this hump. I was showered with gifts, gift cards, and so many blessings and words of encouragement, but it still remains one of the top most anxious, and scariest times in my life. I questioned myself daily on my decision to move when I was experiencing such financial burden and so many weeks I had to stretch thirty dollars to feed me and transport me through one of the most expensive cities in the world. I truly believe it was only possible for me to do because of the experience and learning’s of my meager youth. Tuna fish, carrots, tomatoes, bananas, and mac & cheese, were my go-to budget food items, and with any leftover money I would buy myself a bottle of wine to keep me company as I wrote in my journal thoughts and goals to get out of this mess.

My first apartment at the Ritz was located in midtown and was SO BEAUTIFUL! I was lucky enough to get this “hook up” from one of my college best friends who previously lived in this apartment and was smart enough to hold onto it (and its rate) by sublet like myself. From my bedroom you could walk out onto a balcony twenty-nine floors high that overlooked Times Square to the left and Hell’s Kitchen to the right. The one side of my room was pure window, and I had beautiful wood floors where I propped my Gaiam yoga mat in the corner next to a standing mirror. This yoga mat placement, although I was still not a yoga practitioner, was placed with intent for the sanctuary I was trying to create in this stressful, fearful time. I will never, EVER forget the beauty of the city lights from my room and how I could sit out on the balcony and, if only for a second, remember to be proud of myself. I started to have visions of doing yoga gracefully on my Gaiam mat outside my large glass windows, and these visions started to become reality when I took out my mat one afternoon and turned on my yoga DVD. What was different this time around is that, after the first week, I didn’t stop. In my free time, I started Googling and searching YouTube for different yoga tutorials that I hoped to practice on my own.

After the first three months, I started to get a little more financial security as well as more knowledge of ways to spread my money more evenly and even save money. The first thing I did when I had a couple extra dollars a month was research and purchase a gym membership that fit my budget. With all of my fitness classes, I always wanted parts to be like ballet or hip-hop, and then I started to mix in yoga classes. No matter how hard it was to convince myself to go to class and be the “beginner” that I was embarrassed to be, I cannot recall one time that I did not feel an amazing sense of anxiety relief. I am always very thankful that I made it to my classes, and I always remind myself how thankful I am each and every time I practice because it has NOT been easy to get to this point of my yoga career. The goal I set in August 2013 was to at least make it to one yoga class each week, and that goal has evolved into a habit of searching for a yoga class to attend almost every single day. Spring of 2014 I was feeling pretty darn good, but not exactly where I wanted to be and the universe must of known that. In a blink of an eye the universe switched the ocean tide and forced me to seek a new way out when I was fired from my fancy high paying Manhattan job. Worried about my rent, scared this meant I would have to stay in the relationship I wasn’t happy in to survive, and that I had failed were more reasons I needed more yoga. With the extra time on my hands I have given myself my first and well-deserved yoga challenge and incorporated daily practices with my freed up time.

Two weeks before turning thirty, I can touch my toes, I have finally achieved control of my finances, and writing is apart of my weekly routine. I have signed up for my yoga certification, and my yoga practice affects my everyday thoughts. It is how I am choosing to live my life. It is a way a perfect stranger can relate to me, and unlike when I was younger, I am fully aware that it is the best way for me to deal with any inner bullshit that is begging to come out. Every day in class, I learn something new about my body and about the different ways I can get myself into different positions. It frees my mind in such healthy ways, and keeps me from more of the drugs or booze I might have looked at to ease my mind in the past. It releases the hurt, the uncertainties, and gives me so much hope like nothing else in my life has been able to. Anytime anyone is going through anything difficult in life, I often think to myself, “they need yoga”. Inhale good shit, exhale bad shit. Yoga has helped my decisions in my career, my writing, my relationships, and most importantly my health and self-esteem.

Just get on your mat- Namaste!

Happy Birthday Granny!

Granny

My great grandmother, my guardian angel, the brave woman who took on raising my middle sister and I in her retirement years would of been ninety three today. I found this diary entry of mine from June 10th, 1995 where I was ten and I wrote about my grandmother on her bday. Today, I am almost 30 and I am still finding inspiration to write about her. I owe her for every ounce of who I am today and I am forever grateful. Happy Birthday Granny!

2015 Ass Kicking

2015

Write. No seriously, stop fucking around Kadie.
Yoga! ? Hello.
Bake, and cook for your friends, you got the know.
Travel more! And stop canceling it for more money to not travel.
Be a better friend. Do things for them that show them how you feel.
Stay present in good company. Snap chat later
Grow others, inspire and motivate good things from people
Be a rock for the family. Someone they can count on.
Give lots of love.
Stay true to yourself.

A Letter to my Chief Editor-Happy Birthday Julie

Seems like yesterday when we were hanging off of our beds that faced each other in our small room, giggling at the sight of our hair looking like our beloved troll dolls. What a brat I was to you, and what a fabulous job at being the baby I mastered by manipulating — at your expense– this power: punching you and then telling Granny the opposite of what really happened, winning afternoons out of time out by polishing the halo over my head. However, you made it clear you were the big sister by stepping up in some of the worst situations I hope you ever have to go through and taking the heat so your little sister did not have to. The respect I have for you is not due to the time you set me straight by peeing on “my side of the room” but because you always made it easy for me to trust you and count on you. It wasn’t easy for us, was it? But I am happy for that because look at what we have become and look at who we are. I could not have gotten through life’s dysfunctions without you, and our relationship will forever be a reminder of God’s many blessings to us and to our sisterly relationship. Hiding in the closet together, “running away” together, and creating a better life together is our sister story. I am your forever fan, the little sister who punched a boy on the bus for calling you a dork, and the sister who silenced the crowd at every football game to clap proudly at my “bonehead sister”. I am so proud of you for always working hard and finding your happiness through your beliefs and through the relationships you created in your life. You are such an amazing role model to many, but most importantly, you have always been a very important role model to me, your baby sis. I am so happy to see you as an amazing wife, a new loving mother, and now as an old lady!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISSY!!!!

*I found this diary entry of mine from a diary I kept in elementary school. Please note that I hash tagged at the top words I found important to what I wrote. Does this give me any type of props for tagging before others??

Sisters

Aspiration is g…

race

Aspiration is greater than realization, because it keeps us eternally climbing upward toward some unattainned goal.

This quote from Napoleon Hill really resonated with me today because of how I have been feeling lately about my future. I have felt defeated and set back in my career path. I have been sidetracked on setting new goals that could chase after my ultimate career dreams. I am sure you are familiar with the action of wasting time by negatively clogging up your mind with too many thoughts of where you went wrong. The wise, successful, part of me wants to waste no more time trying to figure out the past. I have cleared my mind and I have set new intentions and plans toward my career goals. Time complaining about what cannot be changed in the past, and minutes feeling sorry for myself are not ways that will fulfill my ultimate goals of who I want to be in this life. Life is not a sprint my friends, it is a marathon so be patient and work up to the finish line and I am signed up and ready to run my next mile!

Happy Hump Day!

Namaste

Namaste
“Dizzy From all this spinning”
–Dave Matthews Band

I met yoga for the first time when I bought a restorative and breathing yoga DVD at Best Buy during Christmas break in my last year of college. I was stranded in Tallahassee during another semester/holiday break where the entirety of my classmates and friends headed to their hometowns. It always left the city feeling empty and ghostlike. I could not leave town because of bills I was responsible for and the obligations I had at all three of my jobs. One night while arriving home from work to an empty four-bedroom, roommate-less house, I started the usual “poor me” thoughts about not being able to run home to a family safety net. When I stepped into my room and set my belongings on my bed, I looked down at my flea-market zebra-print rug and something encouraged me to sit down in the middle and start to meditate. I don’t recall knowing anything about meditating or figuring out why I felt the need to sit cross-legged on my floor with my eyes closed and palms up. I think I was mimicking practices I had picked up as a child when I would hide in my closet and close my eyes for comfort. Or maybe I was seeking the calming effect I had learned about in my Buddhist religion class. I sat on the floor in my room for the rest of the evening, and the next morning I woke up with the idea of learning yoga. My campus gym was closed for school break, and I am not positive that a private yoga studio was even in my town at the time, so I headed to the closest store that sold DVD’s to get my first introduction to yoga through DVD.
Over the next couple of day’s I followed my “live” instructors’ direction in my living room and quickly decided that I was easily bored, frustrated and way to distracted to commit to any type of yoga practice at this point in my life. When everyone started trickling back into town, I put my DVD away on my bookshelf and did not pull it out again until a year later when I had graduated and was out of college. I was living in Delray Beach when a friend I had met at my serving job – Torreya Grill, one of the spots where I’d worked during school breaks – gave me my first yoga mat as a birthday gift. Similar to my history of meditation, I don’t recall ever talking about yoga or giving Jessica a reason to believe that I needed a yoga mat, but it is a gift that will forever be symbolic of my love of yoga. On receiving my new Gaiam mat, we quickly made plans to get together to practice yoga, and after dusting off my old yoga DVD we had a couple “home sessions” with our new mats. But again, I was quickly side-tracked from learning yoga and used my mat instead for other home fitness activities.
Throughout the next four years of all my different fitness endeavors, I picked up yoga maybe a handful of times. I lived with a yogi who was constantly on yoga challenges, and she had dragged me to hot yoga classes. She was always giving me reasons why I, too, should be practicing yoga. It definitely intrigued me, but I was bored during yoga and I was also very intimidated by it. At age 28, I cannot touch my toes, and unlike many of the people who were practicing yoga, I can’t even come close to a split. The back bends I watched my girlfriends perform while hanging out at the beach were positions I thought might literally bend/break mine. It just wasn’t for me yet, and so I continued to be active on my yoga mat but for Pilates and those occasional viewings of my yoga DVD.
Dave Matthews Band sings in “So Damn Lucky” about being dizzy from a whole lot of spinning, and I can say that in the last year of my life I have become extremely dizzy from it all. I also consider myself pretty damn lucky to be blessed with all of the different life experiences and have finally found a place for yoga in my life. I moved to New York City, broke up with my boyfriend staffed and trained a newly renovated retail store team in a city where I’d never lived, moved my belongings through Times Square twice, and unexpectedly lost my job. A lot of these life events that caused anxiety, worry, and stress were the result of my dreams finally coming true, but that doesn’t mean that these events weren’t difficult. This year was remarkably memorable and has been a defining year of my life. Although, I moved to Manhattan with a job, I did not move to the Big Apple with a big savings account or a clear financial plan. I kid you not: The 12-foot box truck that drove all my furniture and belongings from South Florida to Manhattan, the gas for my car to follow, the renter fees, apartment fees, lease-breaking fees, food and any miscellaneous moving supplies were all paid out of a $1,500 budget I had at my disposal. I’d be lying if I said my Nan didn’t stick a few bills in my pocket, and that my wonderful friends and family did not help me over this hump. I was showered with gifts, gift cards, and so many blessings and words of encouragement, but it still remains one of the most anxious, scary time in my life. I questioned myself daily on my decision to move when I was experiencing such financial burden and so many weeks I had to stretch thirty dollars to feed me and transport me through one of the most expensive cities in the world. I truly believe it was only possible for me to do because of the experience and learnings of my meager youth. Tuna fish, carrots, tomatoes, bananas, and mac & cheese, were my go-to budget food items, and with any leftover money I would buy myself a bottle of wine to keep me company as I wrote in my journal thoughts and goals to get out of this mess.
My first apartment at the Ritz was located in midtown and was SO BEAUTIFUL! From my bedroom you could walk out onto a balcony twenty-nine floors high that overlooked Times Square to the left and Hell’s Kitchen to the right. The one side of my room was pure window, and I had beautiful wood floors where I propped my Gaiam yoga mat in the corner next to a standing mirror. This yoga mat placement, although I was still not a yoga practitioner, was placed with intent for the sanctuary I was trying to create in this stressful, anxious time. I will never, EVER forget the beauty of the city lights from my room and how I could sit out on the balcony and, if only for a second, remember to be proud of myself. I started to have visions of doing yoga gracefully on my Gaiam mat outside my large glass windows, and these visions started to become reality when I took out my mat one afternoon and turned on my yoga DVD. What was different this time around is that, after the first week, I didn’t stop. In my free time, I started Googling and searching Youtube for different yoga tutorials that I hoped to practice on my own.
After the first three months, I started to get a little more financial security as well as more knowledge of ways to spread my money more evenly and even save money. The first thing I did when I had a couple extra dollars a month was research and purchase a gym membership that fit my budget. With all of my fitness classes, I always wanted parts to be like ballet or hip-hop, and then I started to mix in yoga classes. No matter how hard it was to convince myself to go to class and be the “beginner” that I was embarrassed to be, I cannot recall one time that I did not feel an amazing sense of anxiety relief. I am always very thankful that I made it to my classes, and I always remind myself how thankful I am each and every time I practice because it has NOT been easy to get to this point of my yoga career. The goal I set in August 2013 was to at least make it to one yoga class each week, and that goal has evolved into a habit of searching for a yoga class to attend almost every single day. With the loss of my job, I have incorporated the goal to make yoga class every day. With the extra time on my hands I have given myself my first and well-deserved yoga challenge. I have finally achieved control of my finances, and in the blink of an eye the universe switched the ocean tide and forced me to seek a new way to swim out. I need and connect to yoga more these past couple of days than ever before, and I am so committed to my relationship with yoga. Every day in class, I learn something new about my body and about the different ways I can get myself into different positions. It frees my mind in such healthy ways, and keeps me from all the drugs or booze I might have looked at to ease my mind in the past. It releases the hurt, the uncertainties, and gives me so much hope like nothing else in my life has been able to. Anytime anyone is going through anything difficult in life, I often think to myself, “they need yoga”, and it’s also a hobby of mine that I am hoping to bring into other people’s lives by becoming a certified yoga instructor.
Currently, I still can’t touch my toes for long, or do a split, but I did do my first sirsasana (headstand) in class the other night! I know that if I continue to stay true to my goals I will one day make it into the positions that I only aspire to now. I love watching and learning from other yogis in class as they get into their crow poses, and I stay patient with myself as I work up the strength to one day get there, too. That is why yoga is so awesome! Everyone is at their own pace with their bodies and it might all be different for everyone as far as how they feel after. I have cried, I have become overwhelmed with energy, I have become ready for a nap, and it really just depends on what kind of practice you put in and out of your mind and body. Inhale good shit, exhale Bullshit. I love the improved flexibility and balance I have noticed I have gained since I use to consider myself very clumsy. I love yoga clothing and how free and comfortable it fits, and I feel like the techniques I am learning in yoga has helped with my love for dancing, and running, too. I also love the natural, loose bun it gives my heavy, thick hair after a 55-minute Vinyassa flow class!
I hope that you can find yoga in your life, and when your life leaves you a little dizzy, you find peace in your practice. Message me if you have any questions regarding beginner’s yoga!

Namaste.

View from the LEFT of the Ritz, Timesquare

View from the LEFT of the Ritz, Timesquare

View facing the Hudson River from the Ritz Rooftop

View facing the Hudson River from the Ritz Rooftop

My Dog FInley, loved his new home in NYC.

My Dog FInley, loved his new home in NYC.

Finley became a "yogi" before me. Here he is practicing on the mat by the mirror!

Finley became a “yogi” before me. Here he is practicing on the mat by the mirror!